My name is Rebecca, and I have lots of experience with large-scale life change. I have moved internationally, undergone significant career changes, and, for the past three years, worked to heal from a very toxic relationship with alcohol.
Throughout everyone's life, change occurs progressively, one thing leading incrementally to another until eventually things become materially different. Sometimes, a person intentionally elects to take the proverbial hard left turn in their life. Other times, Big Change just drops from the sky without a warning or a welcome. All of these scenarios have one common factor: choice. Even in cases of change by force majeure, everyone gets to choose how they react. That might sound like a lot of responsibility (it is, sorry), but it's also true. In fact, cultivating your reaction may prove to be your biggest resource, especially when circumstances are beyond your control.
Life change can really throw a wrench into things. Part of this disruption stems from the loss of a sense of normalcy and control. On a good day, the future's fundamental uncertainty does my head in. When the tides of life turn significantly or unexpectedly and that narrow margin of predictability disappears? Chaos reigns. Fear of the unknown can hold people hostage in unhealthy situations with apparently no way out. Unfortunately, as they say, often the only way out is through.
Twice, my partner and I have moved internationally. The first move from New York to Toronto was great practice for the much bigger, subsequent move from Toronto to Singapore. Both changes involved intensive planning and high emotions. I managed the logistics easily enough, but I was a persistent, emotional wreck. Sure, a big emotional response makes sense when leaving one's country, continent, friends, family, and culture.
However, at the time, drinking alcohol was my primary coping strategy. I drank more and more heavily, all in the name of putting one exhausted foot in front of the other. Because drinking one's feelings is the opposite of coping, it only made things more distressing and chaotic. Despite knowing it was a problem, for a long time I essentially gaslit myself through denial, blame (of self and others), and negotiation to avoid changing. Eventually, I felt like I had no other choice, and so I embarked upon the most illuminating and rewarding experience of my life.
Have these three years been easy? Heck no. It turns out that moving across the world is nothing when compared to the intense exploration, excavation, and education required to find sobriety and then hold on to it. It helps when change is a choice, but even then, it can be hard to trust the process. Navigating any new landscape involves vulnerability, receptivity, and a healthy dose of acceptance.
The early stages of big change, when the unknown outweighs the known, are terrifying. I think the best thing to do in this scenario is to focus on your "musts," that is, what you really need, while taking in your new circumstances. An objective perspective will help you to identify new resources, and use – or create – what you need for support.
Adapting from there involves striking the delicate balance between retaining your identity, while simultaneously releasing old behaviors and building more helpful habits. Maintaining resilience is maybe the most critical part of the process. This means being okay with feeling vulnerable, weathering setbacks, and looking determinedly forward, even when it feels like you're moving backward.
Each of my international moves has entailed a heavy transition period coupled with a steep learning curve. Same with quitting alcohol. The first few months felt deeply unstable. I literally had to re-learn how to live: how to socialize, how to manage my time, how to experience my thoughts and emotions without covering them up. Taking things one day at a time really does help.
Fortunately, progress begets progress, and even when I struggled (and I struggled a lot), I found myself gathering new information and coping tools that helped me to continue forward. Instead of letting the challenges drag me down, I tried to acknowledge and embrace the strengths and supports that carried me through the tough times. Maintaining a positive outlook throughout Big Change is actually a matter of survival.
Finally, while an incremental mindset definitely helps to curb feelings of overwhelm, it's also a good idea to take the occasional step back. Re-focusing on the bigger goal, and the broader context offers a great reminder of what life change is really about: personal growth and expanded perspectives.
People tend to overlook an important aspect of all life change: grief. You can keep looking forward while still acknowledging what you're losing in the transition. Ideally, life change represents improvement, but it's still okay to miss the life you're leaving behind. My heart breaks each time my life shifts significantly, as I mourn past versions of myself and environments I once called home. If grief is the price we pay for love, I see this sadness as ultimately a good thing....
No matter how excited and frightened I am about the future, there is a sweetness to remembering, and a deep gratitude for the previous experiences that have created this version of me, and where I am today. Beware of getting stuck in those memories, but sometimes the best way to notice your progress is to look back at where you started.
Everyone copes with life change differently, and everyone ought to follow the process that makes the most sense to them – even if that means making it up as you go along. However, one source of undeniable, universal support is kindness. I don't mean toxic positivity, and I definitely don't mean accepting circumstances that are harmful or misaligned with your values. I do mean being nice to yourself and going easy on selfcriticism. Remembering that, while what you're attempting is new and seems impossible, many before you have succeeded and so will you.
A focusing on strengths and resources will help you to maintain a positive outlook that promotes selfawareness and support. Celebrate milestones and accomplishments of all sizes. I vividly remember the satisfaction and relief I felt from finally finding a store in Toronto that sold shower curtains. The first morning that auntie at Fun Toast remembered my coffee order gave me a crucial first glimpse of feeling at home in Singapore.
Big life changes take a long time to settle, and the further along you go, the further apart these revelations and milestones become. That's also part of the process. A major challenge in dealing with long-term change is how to keep going once the excitement wears off. When this happens, it can take enormous patience to re-focus on the basics: embrace the discomfort, take it one day at a time, and always look forward. Try to hang in through both the dramatic and the mundane, aim for consistency, and know when to adapt, to rest, and to ask for help.
I'm currently at the threshold of another Big Change: Returning to live in the US after seven years in Singapore. The emotions are intense, and the sheer volume of organizational tasks involved is enough to make me question why, again, am I doing this? There's more that I don't know than I do know, and it feels scary and uncertain and all of those vulnerable ways. I wouldn't mind a crystal ball.
And yet, when I step back, I catch glimpses into what the next chapter holds, and it's exciting. I have confidence that I can handle this transition, and I am committed to taking things one step at a time with patience and self-compassion. I know that I can do this, because I've done it before, and it has always – eventually – been okay. My support network is vast, and will help me with whatever I can't handle myself. I wouldn't be who or where I am without embracing changes and challenges. And so I'm sad, but I'm also ready.
So, if you're contemplating embarking on a new life change, or if you're facing a big, unforeseen change, try to take a deep breath. Coping and staying resilient through challenge is how we grow and learn. It will not always feel like sparkles and unicorns, but I do believe that life is the most magical during times of transition. Even if what you're facing seems insurmountable, know that you've emerged from challenges before, and will again. Trust the process, believe in yourself, and remember to ask for help. We are all, always, writing our story in real time. I know this next chapter won't be easy, but I'm excited to meet the person I'll become in the process.
By Rebecca Nance
Note: I will continue to write for the WE CARE newsletter, but my Mindful Movement classes will finish at the end of March. It has been my great privilege to meet and work with everyone at WE CARE Thank you for your patience, focus, kindness, and for keeping a sense of humor while trying to balance on one leg, with closed eyes. Y'all really are the most wonderful.
