From Behind the Lens to Beacon of Hope

March 2023

Recovery Story: Vincent

"Eventually, I was arrested for voyeurism. It was an extremely traumatic experience being handcuffed and taken away by the police."

Violence, quarrels, and cries were my earliest memories. I was the product of a dysfunctional family – my father abandoned us for another family when I was still a child, leaving my mother to raise my brother and I single-handedly.

As a person with a strong traditional upbringing, my mother never formally divorced my father as she held on to hopes of giving us a father figure. I was often left alone as my mother had to work several jobs to make ends meet.

I became socially and emotionally withdrawn, and my peers soon made me their target of bullying. This only served to increase my lack of respect for myself, emotionally and physically. "Continuously tormented by bullies, I felt that I was never respected in any way".

As I approach my early 30's, the stressors of life accumulated to breaking point. My father passed on, leaving my family with financial debts and dramatic clashes with his second family. A year later my mother suffered a stroke and shortly after my marriage was also called off, just weeks prior to the wedding.

Back then, I was also working in an extremely toxic environment and because I had no sense of emotional respect or boundaries, I was constantly manipulated by my superior – making me believe that I was worthless, and no one would ever employ me.

"My boss crushed my self-esteem to the lowest point when I was already such a withdrawn person".

It was during this dark point in my life that I started my voyeuristic behaviours – videoing other men in public washrooms. I could not fathom why I was doing what I was doing. I did not get any form of sexual gratification from the act, nor was I sexually attracted to men.

"It was very bizarre and totally out of character. I'm an educated person and I know that my actions are wrong, yet I was unable to control myself. I simply recorded the videos for the sake of recording and did not even review the videos".

Eventually, I was arrested for voyeurism. It was an extremely traumatic experience being handcuffed and taken away by the police. They even raided my home and confiscated my computer and hard disk. Needless to say, I lost my job as well.

However, this was the turning point. I knew something was alarmingly wrong with me. The very next day after my arrest, I went straight to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) to seek professional help and despite not getting any answers, I persevered and went to Promises Healthcare, a private mental health clinic.

I was fortunate to meet an experienced doctor who diagnosed me right away with depression and voyeuristic disorder – that marked the beginning of my journey in recovery. Not long after, I was referred to WE CARE Community Services for counselling and subsequently joined a selfhelp recovery support group which I diligently participate in, every week till this day.

In recovery, I begin to understand myself on a deeper level. Working closely with my counsellor, I identified various core needs that were not met including emotional respect, sense of control and the meaning of healthy boundaries.

My sense of boundaries was so non-existent that it was only through counselling that I discovered I was molested in my 20's. I also realized that my lack of a father figure contributed to my curiosity of men and my voyeurism was a way of taking out my pain on others by giving me a false sense of control.

"Although my underlying issues and stressors triggered my offensive acts, understanding the root causes of my condition ensures that I do not re-commit again. I understand it is not an excuse and I fully accept the consequences of my actions".

Instead, I am grateful that now I am learning to respect and love myself regardless of how others treat me. Self-care is crucial to me. I live by a set of healthy routines ensuring regular exercise and mindfulness practice that helps me to stay mentally focussed and in good physical health.

Learning healthy boundaries is just the beginning, I am now more ready and willing to speak up if I am bullied or when I feel my boundaries are crossed. Managing my emotions and stress levels are also crucial, especially during this anxious period of awaiting my sentencing.

Today, despite the dysfunction in my family, I can see how they are supportive in their own capacity. I am also truly appreciative that I am currently working for an organization that values and respects me. My direct superior is aware of the full extent of my situation and does not judge me at all. On the contrary, he encourages me to persevere in my recovery and reassures me that he will do his best to retain my job after I serve my prison sentence.

While it is nerve-wracking to share my story publicly, I do so in hopes that if anyone is facing dark times, know that you are never alone. Even if you do not have the financial means or friends and family, there are various support groups and charity organizations available to help – all you need to do is ask.

I sincerely hope that the stigma of mental health issues will be more readily addressed so that help can be rendered to those in need before a disaster happens. If I were to sum up my recovery, I would quote the words of my counsellor that have helped me see my whole journey in a different light. "I have gained so much more than what I've lost since the day I started my recovery journey".

 

By Vincent

Vincent (not his real name) is working hard at his job to ensure his colleagues are well supported when he leaves to serve his sentence. Recovery remains the top priority for Vincent, and he volunteers regularly at charity organizations as a means of giving back what he has received.