Mental Health & Self-Care: First Put on Your Own Mask

September 2023

Mental Health

"As a shy and overall socially awkward person, I used to accept almost every offer and invitation, fearing that if I declined, I'd never be invited again."

 

Hi, my name is Rebecca and I have a long personal history of wearing myself thin. I once thought that rest was for the weak, that asking for help revealed my inadequacy, and that saying "no" would lead to being rejected. Plus, I was raised to feel responsible for the people around me.

My job, my family, my friends, they all needed me in one way or another, and I simply didn't have time to take care of myself. Self-care seemed selfish. I also felt perpetually exhausted, and deeply unhappy.

As I get older, I've begun to re-consider this approach. I try to take consistent and intentional actions to build and maintain my personal resources. Maybe it's because I'm older and therefore tire more easily, but I now appreciate the value of prioritizing my own well-being before answering others' needs.

Even still, learning to first put on my own mask has been a huge adjustment.

Like saving money in the bank, self-care practices help us to navigate and recover from the sustained chaos of life. A strong internal foundation makes us less vulnerable to stress and overwhelm, and to the related physical and emotional health effects.

Self-care also informs how we interact with people and circumstances. Being well-resourced helps us identify and achieve goals, to make more effective choices, and to align actions with personal values. Also, existing in the world as a well-rested, resilient person is just far more pleasant than the alternative.

Self-care supports physical, emotional and cognitive health. Just as everyone learns differently, each person's self-care style will differ depending on what's most accessible and effective.

Because consistency and sustainability are key, it helps to find practices that you enjoy. I try to re-frame selfcare as something that I get to do, not something I have to do. Like eating dessert instead of taking medicine.

Discovering which approaches work best is not an exact science, so patience and open-mindedness are key. The process begins with personal investigation and honest recognition of one's present state.

After identifying how you're feeling and what you need, the next step is to believe yourself and then act accordingly. After a lifetime of subverting my own needs for the sake of others, these inner channels of communication can be difficult to tap into. It's taken time and practice to recognize how I'm feeling, to decide how I'd like to feel and, if they're different, to then make the appropriate adjustments.

Emotional time travel seems to work. I look back at situations in which I felt overwhelmed and (without judgement) try to imagine what I could have done differently. What resources would have better supported Yesterday Rebecca?

Other times I look ahead and try to envision ways to set up my future self for success. How can I care for myself so that Tomorrow Rebecca will have what she needs? I like this technique because it gives me both a playbook and crystal ball that I can analyze either after or beforehand.

Negotiating all of this in real time is most challenging. Feelings are complicated, fluid and difficult to interpret in the moment. It's good to know your warning signs: the thoughts, feelings and behaviors which indicate that your resource gauge is approaching Empty.

When I'm feeling reactive, vulnerable and stretched thin, I have a few ways to check in. Can I step away and try to calm my mind? Should I go for a walk? Would it help to chat with a friend? Do I need to eat? (I am a very angry hungry person; a simple snack often prevents a total catastrophe.)

I still find it really hard to recognize that I'm struggling as I'm struggling, so I'm trying to pay better attention, and to believe myself.

Sometimes, though, self-care involves not-doing vs. doing. Avoiding draining, high-output situations is one of the simplest paths to staying well-resourced.

As a shy and overall socially awkward person, I used to accept almost every offer and invitation, fearing that if I declined, I'd never be invited again. I now know that being judicious with my time and energy goes a long way in preserving my resources. Evasion isn't always an option, but you might be surprised at to how much you can actually say "no."

There is a time-sensitive aspect in all of this. Things may seem small enough to ignore, or too intense to handle, but stress and overwhelm accumulate if left unaddressed.

Powering through without applying self-care is like taking out a highinterest loan. Eventually the debt will come due, sometimes at a higher cost than was originally owed. The consequences can be very real, since long-term stress can fracture relationships, undermine vital support systems and cause serious health problems.

Self-compassion lives at the heart of self-care. Negativity bias causes us to focus on the sad, scary and dangerous aspects of our environments. These instincts, and a culture that reinforces them will drag you down like quicksand, and make feeling constantly tired and sad seem normal and expected.

For far too long, I didn't think I was supposed to, or even deserved to feel good. We all have our bad days, but it's important to actively cultivate a positive state of mind. Everyone deserves to feel happy, healthy and safe.

Self-care is not selfish or wasted time. After all, you can't pour from an empty cup. Prioritizing your own well-being ensures you can offer sustainable support to those around.

Understand your warning signs and address them before you burn out. Know when to ask for help. Consider seeking outside or professional counsel if you're having trouble sleeping, low mood or drastic mood swings, changes in appetite, or if you've lost interest in things you once enjoyed.

Learn how to move at your own pace. First meet your own needs, and then worry about what others might expect. To put it simply, in the words of the late, great Jerry Springer, "Take care of yourself, and each other." Ideally in that order.

 

By Rebecca