Saying No: Life as an SOP

March 2025

Perspectives: SOP

"I managed to say only after 20 years, with no form of help. I can’t begin to imagine how different my life would have been if I had gotten help earlier. "

 

Camping overnight at the front door with a baseball bat, in fear of illegal money lenders knocking on our door. Surviving an entire month on a diet of just maggi curry noodles and luncheon meat. Lying in bed, wide awake at 3am because I could hear my father verbally abusing my mother. 

Before I was an addict, I was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic’s son. 

There was a sense of unpredictability that plagued my household for close to 30 years which we, with every bet he lost and every bottle of Johnnie Walker Double Black he drank, learnt to get used to. 

I did not enjoy life partly because I was constantly walking on eggshells. I did not ask for it, but whether I liked it or not, this was my life. And I hated it.   

I did not know it at the time, but once I got into recovery it became clear as day that I was an SOP (Significant Other Person), too. What also became clear was the fact that addiction is something that’s passed down through generations.  

It may skip a generation or two, but trace the family tree of a person in recovery and you’ll almost certainly find a descendant who suffered from addiction.  

Many studies have arrived at this conclusion, including one led by researchers from Washington University in St. Louis in 2023. After combing through genomic data of over 1 million people, they discovered shared genetic markers underlying substance use disorders. 

As I wrote this introduction, a line popped into my head – I am not responsible for my addiction, but I am responsible for my recovery.  

It’s the same for an SOP. They aren’t responsible for the family they’re in, but there are things they can do to better manage the situation they find themselves in.  

We lived in 3 different apartments in 5 years, and each move brought with it hope of a fresh start, even though the reasons for us moving weren’t exactly kosher.  

It did not matter, however, which neighbourhood or house we were in, because the person living inside of it never changed. 

Between my mother, brothers and I, we have years-of-therapy worth of trauma to unpack. Even though I am 2 and a half years clean, and am supposed to have worked through my resentments from the past, I still cannot find it in myself to forgive my father.  

I don’t blame him as much today, thanks to the empathy I’ve learnt from working with newcomers in my various self-help support groups, but nonetheless there is still some blame and I am comfortable with the fact that it may never fade.  

The levels of blame and resentment may not have been as high if I had gotten help. To be honest, I didn’t even know that I could get help.  

In fact, we find this to be the case for most of the SOPs we see at WE CARE: They call to enquire about seeking help for their loved ones, only to realise that they need help too. They are also comforted to know that it is not the end of the world if their family member, mired in addiction, does not want to seek help.  

At WE CARE, the Family and Friends support group runs twice a month. It’s geared to help the family and friends of those suffering from addiction to navigate the different challenges they face.  

An example of a challenge, one that I never figured out how to navigate, is knowing where to draw the line between supporting and enabling. 

If their husband or father is deep in the throes of a gambling addiction, what do they say when he goes to them begging for a financial bailout? If they don’t help him, his creditors are going to come down hard, putting pressure on both their family and his job. 

If they help – keep in mind that this probably isn’t the first bailout to be given – he’s not going to feel the pinch. Or rather, the pinch isn’t going to be very hard. He would have gotten away again.

Next time he finds himself in a hole, he knows that they’re going to be there to help and before anyone notices, they’re stuck in a toxic and simply unsustainable cycle of enabling. 

The solution to problems like these aren’t usually black and white. There’s often a middle ground that’s mutually beneficial to both parties, and that’s what we try to help SOPs find when they come to WE CARE for support.  

Sometimes, the middle ground takes a long time to be found. Seeing a counsellor does not solve all the problems overnight, but with each session the SOP takes a step in the right direction until one day, they are finally able to say No.  

Personally, it was only after 20 years that I managed to gather the courage to say No to my father. A year later, my brothers and mother said No. And since then, we haven’t looked back. For the first time in my life I feel like we’re a real family. 

I managed to say No only after 20 years, with no form of help. I can’t begin to imagine how different my life would have been if I had gotten help earlier. 

The life of an SOP is tough, and extremely stressful. There are hundreds of thousands of addicts around the world, and even more SOPs suffering in silence. If they get the help they need, perhaps they won’t have to wait 20 years like I did.  

 

By Jat