I Am an Addict, Born and Raised

March 2023

Recovery Story: Jat

"Within a few days of my trying my first joint of marijuana, I was given my first sleeping pill by my parents."

 

I am cross addicted to both gambling and drugs. From a very young age I was aware that addiction was in my blood but did not think I could do anything about it - I thought that since those were the cards I was dealt, I’d just have to learn how to work with them.

It’s like when someone is born into royalty: They might not want to be king but along the way they grew into that role.  

As I grew up, I came across many people who commented that I had an “addictive personality”, but I paid them no mind. As I look back on my recovery journey, it’s clear that there were warning signs that I either ignored or was too caught up to see. You would think that multiple trips to DRC (Drug Rehabilitation Centre) would have succeeded in getting my attention, but they did not.  

I made my first bet when I was in Primary 5, and had my first drug when I was 15. At the time I didn’t think much of it - they were rites of passage and I was more than happy to be in on them.  

Let me begin with gambling, which started innocuously with my auntie helping me make a $5 bet on Newcastle United to win. The wager seemed to make watching football more interesting, and since the adults in my family were doing it, why not?

There wasn’t a week that went by where my family weren’t stressing over the results of 4D, Toto or football games. Gambling was normalised in the culture I was brought up in, so I saw nothing wrong.

Not only was it a way to add excitement to watching live football games, but it came with the promise of quick money. 

Where else in the world can you double your money in 90 minutes but in a football match? 

My gambling habit didn’t truly take off until I got into NS - the first time when I had any semblance of an income. Granted, it wasn’t much, but I felt more powerful now that I had some earning power.

And so, I channelled this newfound power into my gambling habit.

I started making larger bets more frequently, and even started making bets on credit. I started chasing losses, and borrowed from people to either gamble some more or pay off debts. I have since learnt that these are hallmarks of a compulsive gambler.  

At those times, the scary thing was that I was unaware of how destructive my behaviour was, on both myself and those around me. In fact, it felt right. But I was merely making ends meet. 

On to my drug problem. It started at 15 when the stars aligned, but in a very distorted way. Within a few days of my trying my first joint of marijuana, I was given my first sleeping pill by my parents.

At that time my father had a month’s supply of sleeping pills prescribed for him after a slipped disc surgery had resulted in an infection. He was having problems falling asleep, thus the prescription.  

Like most teenagers my age, I had a tendency of sleeping and waking up late during the weekend which would then lead to me being unable to fall asleep on Sunday night.

Driven by my frustration, I complained to my parents who then proceeded to give me one of my dad’s sleeping pills. Again, innocent in itself.

The experience was similar to my mum giving me Panadol when I had a fever. Within half an hour, I was out like a light and had the best sleep of my life. To make things better (or worse), I woke up feeling more refreshed than I had ever been.

This experience with my parents led to the development of a very dangerous belief - that when I was feeling something negative, I could simply medicate the negativity away. 

From then on, whenever the opportunity for me to use drugs arose, I would take it. This extended to alcohol, and carried on for the next 15 years. When I reached legal age, my drug use took off in a similar way to my gambling when I entered NS.

Self-medicating with whatever substance I could get my hands on became a way of life.  

Coupling the trauma I had from being in a dysfunctional family with the fact that my closest circle of friends had also started gambling, using drugs and drinking alcohol, my addictions progressively became the centre of my universe.

From the ages of 20 to 30, every action I took in life was to feed my addiction. Just constantly finding legal and illegal ways and means to get more drugs or money, and no one was spared.  

Sure, in the past I have tried to quit many times, usually when I ran out of money and drugs, but never truly succeeded. I could never attain a meaningful length of sobriety because I would always end up giving in to my temptations.

I had reached a point where I was convinced I was stuck in this vicious cycle and there was nothing I could do about it.  

I am now 31 and have finally found true recovery. The idea of recovery came into my life after a chance meeting with an old secondary school friend a few months before I turned 30. He gave me the basic facts and asked me to go to a 12-Step meeting, saying that more would be revealed.  

That first meeting changed my life, because I met other addicts just like myself, but who had somehow been clean for a few years.

They spoke about experiences that were eerily similar to mine, with a sense of freedom that I desperately craved. They seemed to have found the answer. I eventually found a sponsor who then suggested that I go for detox in NAMS (National Addictions Management Services) and subsequently, WE CARE.

More than 15 years of active addiction had driven me to a point of hopelessness and exhaustion, so I was willing to take on any suggestion that offered even the tiniest glimpse of hope. I’m glad I did, because if I had not, I would not be writing this today.  

Detox helped me through the initial recovery process, but it is WE CARE and the 12-Step groups that have helped me stay in recovery. Through these 2 avenues I was able to change my environment from a completely toxic one to one that I feel safe in.

They offer me every tool one could possibly need in recovery, and through their support, I’m slowly piecing my life back together.  

Above all, recovery for me has been a journey in self-discovery. I’ve learnt so much - about myself, why I used to engage in destructive behaviours, why some of the belief systems I developed throughout life were completely whack.

More importantly, I’ve learnt how to correct the errors. It was tough to admit that basically everything I previously thought was right was in fact wrong, but it was a pill I’m truly happy I swallowed. 

 

By Jat