Becoming Resilient, Gently

June 2023

Recovery Story: Rebecca

" I did not leave early enough, and spent the next two days recovering from the sheer, white-knuckle shock of being sober in such an alcohol-heavy environment."

 

Hi, I'm Rebecca and I am super resilient.

A story: on December 27th, 2020, I stopped drinking for good. The following day happened to be my husband's birthday, and a group of us planned to celebrate over champagne brunch. If you don't know, a champagne brunch requires individuals to imbibe as much champagne as humanly possible over a four-hour period. People usually get very, very drunk.

We'd made these plans before I decided to stop drinking. Clearly, there is a lot wrong with the idea of a person in early recovery attending an alcohol-focused social gathering. It worked out for me, but it might not have and I advise strongly against anyone choosing this course of action.

At the time, I saw an opportunity to expand my comfort level. I rationalized that I would eventually find myself in alcohol-heavy scenarios, and I needed to learn how to participate without partaking. In reality, I was at an exceptionally low point, emotionally. Because I wasn't feeling great about myself, my own comfort and ease were not top of mind. The whole plan reeked of self-punishment.

That afternoon I sat through brunch, surrounded by friends slugging champagne, and felt uneasy and wholly at odds with my surroundings. I made it through without alcohol and I mostly felt like a boss about it. I'd had a terrible time, but I'd unlocked a new skill. I felt confident in my ability to handle similarly stressful situations with relative ease and minimal after-effect. I had built Resilience.

Resilience reduces the physical, psychological and emotional effects of stress both in the moment and over the long term. 'Stress' can broadly be defined as discomfort. This encompasses the physical discomfort of injury or illness, the psychological discomfort of grief or mental illness, the psychosocial discomfort of bigotry and socioeconomic inequality, and the psychospiritual discomfort of existential crisis (my personal favorite).

Considering the ubiquity of stress, it makes a lot of sense to develop a reliable and trustworthy approach for managing and mitigating adverse experience. Anyone in recovery from addiction will corroborate that the entire process offers a wellspring of discomfort. This makes resilience a particularly useful resource.

Because there are as many examples of resilience as there are individual people, it can be difficult to qualify and quantify. Research into the psychology of resilience considers certain traits to be guidelines for identifying and cultivating resilience. People who demonstrate resilience can effectively plan and execute, communicate with others and solve problems, and manage their emotions and impulses.

Resilient people have a positive sense of self-worth and confidence in themselves and their abilities. These traits can be strengthened through three key resources: positive emotions, social support and adaptability.

Positive emotions are created and maintained through self-support, a perspective that sees the bigger picture and the longer term, and a sense of humor. An accessible and supportive community includes strong, healthy relationships with friends and family. Resilient individuals know how and when to ask for help from those around them.

Adaptability may be the most useful resource. Environmental and self-awareness helps in managing feelings and impulses, which goes a long way in withstanding and recovering from stress. Perception of control also factors into resilience. Someone who feels like they have agency and power will usually feel more ease in times of difficulty.

Interestingly, though, 'perception of control' pertains more to a person's mindset than to their true agency in a particular scenario. Sheer belief in one's power makes a huge difference.

If all this reads like something out of a group recovery meeting, then you're on to something. The Serenity Prayer is basically an appeal for resilience: acceptance, courage and wisdom. "Managing thoughts, feelings and behaviors," is a key point in SMART Recovery, an approach which applies Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) to adjust patterns of addictive behavior.

A person's resilience directly impacts the success of their recovery. Recovery can be an emotional and behavioral minefield and the basic unpredictability of daily life presents one of the biggest challenges. People recovering from addiction can be especially vulnerable to relapse in unexpected situations or in circumstances where they feel out of control.

Any recovery approach destined for success must include social support, a positive and realistic outlook, and the awareness and adaptability to navigate life in real time. Fortunately, resilience begets resilience. The more one practices resilience, the more resilient one becomes.

The second champagne brunch I attended as a non-drinker took place on another birthday, not quite eighteen months into my sobriety. It was also a disaster, but for different (relevant) reasons. Because of my successful experience all those months ago, I embarked on this brunching journey feeling prepared. Except I wasn't.

In my early sober days, I'd prepare before social events. I'd plan my first drink order, and note what cues to watch for in deciding when to leave.... Knowing I'd managed a similar outing before, and in a far more vulnerable state, I felt confident and that made me careless.

I wasn't fully paying attention as my unease mounted and my resources diminished in the increasingly loud and chaotic dining room. I began making unnecessary trips to the bathroom as a way of finding momentary peace. I did not leave early enough, and spent the next two days recovering from the sheer, white-knuckle shock of being sober in such an alcohol-heavy environment. I'll take stress-recovery over a hangover any day, but it was not my finest hour and I do not wish to repeat the experience.

The shift from feeling triumphant after my first sober brunch to being flat-out exhausted after the second brunch got me thinking. If I'd truly developed resilience by enduring that first brunch, then the second time should have been easier. This is not what happened. Had I actually built resilience, or had I just forced myself into a stressful experience that I managed to survive? What's the difference, anyway?

People who study resilience agree that it can be learned and strengthened through practice. This could mean that every stressful experience presents a new opportunity to practice a healthy response. The idea of leaning into discomfort as a way of learning to tolerate it sort of makes sense. Most skill-based disciplines involve improving one's abilities through repetition and increased intensity. The philosophy, "no pain no gain," works along these lines.

Unfortunately, there's a tipping point where what's intended to build strength becomes an unnecessary taxation of resources. Research on the long-term effects of stress exposure indicates that significant health problems can result, ranging from anxiety and depression to cardiovascular disease and chronic illness.

My experiments in creating or revisiting stressful scenarios definitely did not foster resilience. But if experiencing more stress doesn't foster resilience, then, how to practice? More accurately: what to practice? If resilience means developing resources whereby one may withstand stress with ease, then why not practice ease, instead? It definitely sounds more pleasant.

Some people conflate ease with laziness, and I strenuously disagree. Not a single one of the traits that constitute resilience, nor any of the resources that develop them, requires stress or adversity to learn or strengthen. To develop planning and communication skills requires a supportive and focused environment.

Mindfulness practices directly associated with relaxation are especially useful in enhancing the positive states of mind which correlate to resilience. Intentionally changing behavioral patterns as taught through methods like CBT and REBT may involve discomfort, but this can be done intentionally and progressively. Resilience can be built apart from stress so that when stress happens, you have the full capacity to manage it.

Gentleness is particularly vital for building resilience in addiction recovery. As I recall my early days of sobriety, I really wish I'd been nicer to myself. I felt so frustrated and mad and scared that I thought the only way to move forward was through muscle and grit. I feared that giving myself grace would make me weak.

The beginning of any recovery process, addiction or otherwise, is an incredibly vulnerable time. People in recovery are already facing a scarcity of physical, mental, social and emotional resources. Leaning into discomfort might only make someone more vulnerable which, in turn, may make them less likely to succeed at making the changes they seek. A softer approach might just be more effective. In the context of addiction recovery, this distinction may quite literally be the difference between life and death.

In all scenarios, the individual will be the determining factor. Everyone has a different, innate ability to handle stress. Everyone will react differently to a variety of stressful experiences. My own resilience expands as I continue to develop my resources.

Awareness and self-knowledge, I think, are the cornerstones of healthy resilience. My awareness guides me away from unnecessary sources of stress. This allows me to retain my physical and emotional resources for when I really need them. We all have but modest control of the world around us, and that control is not evenly distributed. The ability to circumvent stress is often connected to privilege.

Whatever our individual circumstances, by making an intentional effort to foster a positive mindset, to connect to family and community and to learn to adapt, we ensure greater access to the precious personal resources that carry us forward, and a better future experience.

At two years and five months sober, I no longer attend champagne brunches. I'm sorry to miss your birthday. We can catch up another time over coffee or a real meal like breakfast or lunch.

An important side lesson here is that there's no good reason for someone who doesn't drink to attend an alcohol-centered event. If the triggers don't get you, then the sheer botheration will.... You will miss nothing by missing it, and you will not be missed as drunk people have famously unreliable memories. Your friends will understand. If they don't understand, they're not your friends.

And remember: you don't need to push yourself to be resilient. In fact, I think it's the exact opposite. Practice being kind and gentle and compassionate with yourself, and I bet you will be surprised at how resilient you can be.

 

By Rebecca

She believes resilience can be learned through kindness and ease. In her classes, she advocates for gentleness, patience and, most of all, awareness. The views expressed in this article are entirely her own.