Recovery Turns Your Horizon a Promising Green

March 2025

Recovery Story: Ann

"What really helped was the love and acceptance I found at WE CARE and in my 12-step fellowship. I realised I was no longer alone."

 

A barren desert with nary a cactus nor an oasis of water. This is how I’d describe the landscape of my soul before recovery.  

Now, nine months into recovery, green shoots are springing up on that once mud-brown plain. Some flowers are even beginning to emerge. A sunflower here, a pretty pink gerbera there. Verdant grass grows, and this landscape is now lush with life.  

This only came about when I decided enough was enough, and called WE CARE to seek help for my addictions.  

Experiencing a couple of childhood traumas and not being able to speak about them locked me in a world of loneliness and isolation.

I experienced my first trauma when I was eight. Told by adults I could never speak of it, I withdrew into my own world. I no longer felt safe physically nor emotionally, and became a very timid, anxious child.

I experienced frequent chest pains, stomach upsets and bouts of intense fear. I stammered when spoken to. I became a people-pleaser. In my teenage years, I often found myself drowning in a sea of melancholy, with no way out.  

As I was doing well in school and did not cause any problems for my teachers, no one felt there was anything wrong with me. However, to cope with my emotional pain, I would conjure up various imaginary worlds and escape into them. Rarely was I present in the moment.

I would also lose myself in novels, reading many beloved children’s books voraciously when young. When I entered my teenage years, my reading repertoire included romance novels, and this soon became steamier the older I got. I was also exposed to pornography and was soon hooked.  

An adult friend who worked as a counsellor suggested I see a psychiatrist when she learnt of my symptoms. It was the 1990s back then, and I had never heard of the term “mental illness”. At the age of 20, I was diagnosed with depression and various anxiety disorders. The doctor prescribed some medication to help reduce the severity of the symptoms.   

By the grace of God, I graduated from university and had a job in the corporate world. However, things at home grew worse. I saw no way out and wanted to die most of the time.

Those feelings intensified when the stress of being a supervisor at work got to me. I soon had a mental breakdown, and the dosage of my psychiatric medications increased. I was not able to function and saw a counsellor to help me get back on my feet.  

That paid off, and I soon freelanced to support myself. However, I continued my “bad habit” of reading romance novels, watching porn and binge eating. I had no idea these were addictions. They got worse as the years passed, and though I wanted to stop, I found I was completely unable to. Despite being able to hold down a job, I was still depressed. Looking back, I can see how my addictive behaviours worsened my depression.  

I finally sought help in February 2024. I came to WE CARE for counselling sessions. I hung out at the drop-in centre. I joined their activities. I also joined a 12-step programme. I began to learn about addiction, and how to deal with it.

What really helped was the love and acceptance I found at WE CARE and in my 12-step fellowship. I realised I was no longer alone. I had a bunch of sisters (from my 12-step programme) to journey with. They knew the worst I had done but loved me anyway.

For the first time in my life, I was learning to connect with people authentically. I could let my mask drop. I also had to do (and am still doing) the hard work of learning to deal with and regulate my emotions, instead of escaping into a fantasy world or numbing my feelings with food.   

As I practised the tools of recovery, I could increasingly say no to those unhealthy coping mechanisms. I am learning to face life on life’s terms. I am also learning to face my character defects and depend on a Higher Power to do for me what I could not do for myself. As I stopped my addictive behaviours, my depression got better. I also experienced more peace, as I was better able to let go and let God in.  

I am very much a work-in-progress as I learn a new way of life. It is certainly not easy — some days are so tough — but it is incredibly rewarding. I now live a life I could never have imagined — one filled with love, freedom and acceptance. The arid, barren places within me are beginning to come to life. And for this, I am so very grateful.  

 

By Ann, the pen name of a recovering person who first came to WE CARE in 2024. She has recently picked up swimming and rediscovered her love for writing.